January 31st, 2008 Nichole
I love people’s eyes. A lot. They’re usually the first thing I notice about a person: girl or guy. So expressive, mysterious, holding an infinite array of possibility. You can see people’s pasts in their eyes, their happiness and their hurt. Sometimes, if you look close enough (and if they let you) you’re able to see their future.
I have a friend who is really good at applying eye makeup. She always looks fabulous, and I told her I want to come visit so she can show me how to actually use the stuff. I don’t like wearing a lot of makeup, but she is good at balancing natural with just a subtle hint of boldness. I can wear makeup like that, I think.
Different people bring out different sides of me. Sometimes, like with my friends Mary or Courtney, I feel very masculine. It’s a stereotypical kind of masculinity, where I seek to protect them, coddle them, fight tooth and nail for the people I love. It’s not to say that women can’t do that kind of thing; it’s just how I feel, I guess. Hard to explain.
Tre on the other hand, I felt very feminine with her. I constantly thought about what dresses I had that I wanted to show her, or how I would do my hair when we would get together. I felt shy and reserved and again it’s not to say that men can’t feel this way. I just defined those moments with her as horrifically feminine.
I’m a person of polarities. I always have been, in many respects. However, I’m learning that there is also a gray area in life to explore. I hope to find more of it as I walk on.
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January 30th, 2008 Nichole
I keep thinking about it. And the more I think about it, the more I want it. A creative partner.
Tre was so awesome when it came to that. We worked together well, fleshing out characters and worlds and little schemes that may or may not have had anything to do with world domination. Or the domination of a woman’s heart. Even the little snippets we’d come up with as we bounced emails back and forth for a couple hours, it was magic.
It all stopped when she started working on Goodbye Chains. She got too busy. We couldn’t write together anymore. She definitely couldn’t draw with me. All the promises of getting work done, working 10, 12, 14-hour days and still not making progress because she would get distracted by other shiny things… I hated it. I hated it so much. There was no time for us to create things together anymore.
Maybe it was selfish, and maybe it shouldn’t have been something to expect of her, but I couldn’t help it. Once I had a taste, I couldn’t stop. I wanted to build things. More characters. More worlds. But all I had was Chasing Infidelity and even then I was alone with that. She pretty much ditched me. She had Goodbye Chains now.
I want to go back to that summer when we were creative. I don’t want to do it alone.
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January 29th, 2008 Nichole
I went to Espress Yourself today down on Lincolnway and decided that I’ll never patronize a Starbucks around here ever again. It was so warm and cozy. There were couches and chairs with cushions. An Oriental rug. Real wood tables. A fire place. Art from local artists hanging on the wall. It sounds really silly but just being around all that made me feel at ease.
It’s nice when people smile at you. A genuinely, happy smile. The guy behind the counter was just like that.
I was thinking about my driving need for a creative partner. I would love to work with a musician. I breathe music; I just haven’t made any in a really long time and lack the programs to do so. Or work with someone who can sing. I would love to write a song for a low-toned, female vocalist whose voice was smooth like a cello.
I want to start a new writing project since I put an end to Chasing Infidelity for a multitude of reasons. It was fun, but not anymore. It says a little something about yourself when you get too intertwined with the characters and feel horrible for even creating them for such gratuitous entertainment.
Maybe I’m just taking things too seriously.
Posted in life, moving on | 4 Comments »
January 28th, 2008 Nichole
No matter how horrible life may seem, there are still things that somehow manage to find you in your time of need. I came across Debra’s blog totally by chance on Blog Catalog. All the posts I read made me cry. Not in a bad way but in a cleansing sort of way. To have a complete stranger’s words resonate with me so well, it almost hurts. I’m crying writing this right now just thinking about it.
I want to believe we left each other on good terms. I appreciate everything that Tre had done for me, for the important part she played in my life, but our relationship–our friendship–whatever you want to call it was more stressful than anything else. For both of us. We couldn’t even foster a small friendship anymore; she was too busy, always promising things, and I was too needy, always seeking attention. I’m trying to tell myself that it wasn’t meant to be.
But I’m still angry. Upset. And not at Tre, nor at myself. I’m angry at the fact that one of the greatest friendships I had was lost because we couldn’t meet each other half way.
I still rue the day I told her I love her. I should have known better than to tell a married woman that. And she shouldn’t have told me that she loved me back. We shouldn’t have said the things we did, felt the way we did, did the things we did. But it happened. It was probably meant to happen. I’m in the camp of thinkers that believe things happen for a reason. Everything, no matter how small.
I’m afraid I will never meet anyone like Tre ever again. That no one will understand me the way she did, or create the sorts of things we created. That no one will love me the way she did. I’m really afraid that I blew it and that was my only chance at ever having someone like her. I know it’s a silly way to think, but I can’t help it.
Yesterday my friend Jai game me the song “The Walk” by Imogen Heap. I didn’t pay much attention to the lyrics yesterday, but listening to it today at work… this is how I’m feeling right now. I’ve said all that stuff to myself over and over again. I want to push past that though.
I went to another cafe today and wrote for awhile after work. I just like being around other people talking. It makes me feel less alone.
It’s cliche to ask such a question but, “Girly, where are you?”
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January 27th, 2008 Nichole
I wrote Tre a letter in my battered green notebook, the one I used to write Keys to the Kingdom smut in, with the intention of mailing it out to her tomorrow. I told her I missed her and that I was sorry and how I wanted to collab with her for that TokyoPop contest still. I said snail mail was distant enough for me to be okay. I would not be a wreck. I promised.
However, when I signed my name at the bottom and read it over I realized I didn’t want to send it to her anymore.
What does that say about me?
Posted in lamentation, moving on | 3 Comments »
