August 29th, 2008 Nichole
This morning, Professor Hass-Birky died in a car crash. She was my Grammar professor my last year in college. She was fun, upbeat and a really interesting woman. She was 41.
Some trucker hit her by 49 and Vale Park Road in Valparaiso.
I know everyone is going to die eventually, but it’s hard when people are wrenched from life like that. Young people with families and spouses and so much talent to offer this living, breathing world. It hurts. It makes me cry. I feel kind of odd because it didn’t affect me at work when I found out, but it’s affecting me now.
It’s cliche sounding but we really can go at any moment. Not just me but the people I love too. I feel sad for those I would leave behind. I’m sad because people leave us.
Professor Hass-Birky really was a great woman.
I’ll have a drink for her tonight at Sarah’s and Di’s going away party. She probably would have liked that.
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July 15th, 2008 Nichole
You have to treat it with care. It’s not something I always do.
A friend of mine told me today that I never come to her when I have problems. I tried to fix that aspect of myself, so I could be more trusting and feel less guilty about burdening someone, but I haven’t been able to fix much. I’ve always kept to myself. I’ve always spared people my problems.
I do this to put on a front; I’ll admit that much. I’m hyper-emotional, but I try really hard to act tough and strong and flat-out positive about everything, regardless how I really feel inside. I would jeopardize that if I shared my troubles.
Everything is well with my friend… I hope, but I know I won’t change. Keeping my problems to myself is something I have always done.
I hate being a burden to anyone. I’d rather be vague and blame everything on little sleep.
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May 14th, 2008 Nichole
A friend of mine, his brother-in-law passed away this morning.
It’s always bothered me how life can end in the next minute. You leave behind so many people. People you love and have fun with and would… die for. How ironic.
I hope everyone is okay.
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April 3rd, 2008 Nichole
I’m only destined to have fiction keep me company when the sun goes down. All I have is my writing. People defined only by words. Every action is my own. Nothing.
I’m a fictional voyeur. I live vicariously through made up relationships because they’re safer than the real thing.
She won’t talk to me. I always fail. The failure is me. Ad nauseum. Fuck it.
I ruined myself. She’s better off without me. I just mess people up anyway, pull them from their dreams. Their responsibilities. I’m better off… I don’t know. I would say dead but I don’t want to. It sounds too final.
I think she’s really forgotten about me.
It hurts.
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March 21st, 2008 Nichole
Taking a closer look at the food I eat during the day I find that I’m consuming only about 1,200 calories or less. And that’s with eating all 3 meals. Granted they aren’t particularly big meals, with a million sides drenched in butter, salt and artificial flavoring, they are all at least one serving. I’ve always been good at portion control. I can eyeball a serving of cereal and it’s always been enough. I don’t fill mixing bowls with Cocoa Krispies and eat it all.
I’m really upset about this for some reason. I’m probably being cruel to my body, but I hate eating prepackaged food. When you make something from scratch it’s not as calorie-loaded. A serving gives you 500 calories or less. I don’t like cooking with lots of butter, lots of oil. I thought I was doing something good but when you step back and truly analyze it, it seems like I’m only hurting myself in the long run.
Right now I just don’t care. I feel full.
I’ll forever be stuck at 118 pounds.
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