September 1st, 2008 Nichole
Every morning I wake up with those words hanging on the other side of my room, and it’s hard for me to believe that nine months ago I hated those nine little words. They were like Dante’s nine circles of hell, each one more torturous than the next. I thought I could never live those words. I thought they would forever mock me. Yet, I would not take them down.
I’m glad I never did.
Looking back, Tre was not the pinnacle of my life, nor was I the pinnacle of hers. We had other obligations, bigger dreams and bigger commitments to chase. We had our sanity to keep and our mental stability to keep… well, stable.
Do I miss her? I do. To say I didn’t would be like denying I breathed and rolled d20s on Monday nights. She still means a lot to me, even after all the pain. I wish her well. I wish her the world, in fact.
But she is not the most important thing.
I really wanted to be her girl forever and ever. We clicked on a million different levels, so many beautiful, wonderful and sinfully wicked levels. I loved her so much for it. And I know we could have be an awesome team. It’s just… I knew she would never give up the life she had to come with me.
I don’t blame her; I wouldn’t give up the life I have now for her either.
I still love you, Tre, even if you no longer love me. I’m at a good place in my life where I can finally acknowledge that without feeling bitter or vindictive. Maybe one day I’ll find a girl just like you.
I feel as though I can live those nine words now. I really do.
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July 14th, 2008 Nichole
I was thinking about how people can still mean something to you, can still impact your life in a meaningful way even though you no longer speak to them. People can enter your life, but they can never fully exit.
You still have experiences, memories, things about yourself that will always remind you of other people. And I take comfort in knowing that I leave those same things in others as well.
Even though Tre and I don’t talk, even though I don’t think about her quite as much as I used to, she will always have impacted my life. I hold on to the positive things; I reflect on the negative and find solutions to the things I want to change.
I know I have left an impression on her life as well. Good or bad, I’m not sure. However, there’s something of me that’s inside of her, and it will never go away, even if it’s just a ghost of a memory. It’s still there.
We will always be tied. We have memories. And though I don’t know about her, I also have stories. Wonderful, wonderful stories.
Life is too valuable to spend it trenched in hate. We all feel it, I admit. It’s not an emotion that’s easily reined; it will never go away. However, no one should dwell on it. No one.
No matter how much you were hurt.
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June 25th, 2008 Nichole
Trying to get more comfortable on multiple fronts, work especially. Many things to balance there, but I have a feeling it will all lie nice-like in the end… if people don’t lie.
Just keep on trucking. I’m eating well, staying fit and I will be able to do a real pull-up by August. Only 20 pounds more of body weight to go.
Maybe I’ll have a girlfriend by then too?
Maybe. 
Posted in moving on, pondering | 4 Comments »
June 22nd, 2008 Nichole
And all the anger is gone. It sounds cliche but I really do feel healed. I look back on how I was and cringe; how could I be like that?
I’m glad I made it, even if we are no longer friends.
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May 22nd, 2008 Nichole
A friend of mine has this hope of hooking me up with her friend Rosa. We’re all supposed to be chilling at her house on Saturday to watch the fight and play some Rock Band. I’m not sure how this will go, but all I can do is go in with an open, positive attitude and see what happens.
Sometimes life doesn’t sting at all.
Posted in moving on | 3 Comments »
