September 1st, 2008 Nichole
Every morning I wake up with those words hanging on the other side of my room, and it’s hard for me to believe that nine months ago I hated those nine little words. They were like Dante’s nine circles of hell, each one more torturous than the next. I thought I could never live those words. I thought they would forever mock me. Yet, I would not take them down.
I’m glad I never did.
Looking back, Tre was not the pinnacle of my life, nor was I the pinnacle of hers. We had other obligations, bigger dreams and bigger commitments to chase. We had our sanity to keep and our mental stability to keep… well, stable.
Do I miss her? I do. To say I didn’t would be like denying I breathed and rolled d20s on Monday nights. She still means a lot to me, even after all the pain. I wish her well. I wish her the world, in fact.
But she is not the most important thing.
I really wanted to be her girl forever and ever. We clicked on a million different levels, so many beautiful, wonderful and sinfully wicked levels. I loved her so much for it. And I know we could have be an awesome team. It’s just… I knew she would never give up the life she had to come with me.
I don’t blame her; I wouldn’t give up the life I have now for her either.
I still love you, Tre, even if you no longer love me. I’m at a good place in my life where I can finally acknowledge that without feeling bitter or vindictive. Maybe one day I’ll find a girl just like you.
I feel as though I can live those nine words now. I really do.
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August 24th, 2008 Nichole
Jenette was talking about how she had delightful conversation with a conservative blogger while at BlogIndiana, which she found pretty surprising.
I would never have gone out of my way to meet a conservative blogger, but I had a nice chat with him, he didn’t sprout demon horns or cloven hooves, and I helped him with his BlogAds. That’s one of the nice things about these conferences, you meet people you would never have met otherwise and they turn out not to be the devil.
I will forever be hung up on why people continue to push all these dividers between us. Amazing things happen, amazing conversations happen when you just get to know someone for who they are, as opposed to their political, religious or do-you-believe-in-UFOs leanings.
People, listen. Go out and talk to everyone you possibly can, even if you find out they’re ulta-conservative or a bleeding-heart liberal. People are amazing, no matter what their personal philosophy. Plus it always makes for the ultimate of discussions when your beliefs don’t coincide.
In short, talk to people blind. You may surprise yourself and think about the way you live your life (and choose your friends) in a whole different light.
Posted in internet, life, pondering | 6 Comments »
August 18th, 2008 Nichole
A co-worker of mine asked me not too long ago if I would never be interested in guys. If I had just given up on one half of the world’s population.
This is a question I ask myself often. The thought of having actual, penetrative intercourse right now at this point in my life is just not appealing at all. However, who is to say that five years down the road I won’t meet a man who changes all that?
I’m a firm believer in the Kinsey Scale. There are shades of gay; there are shades of straight. In my life right now I find myself more sexually attracted to women. There is hardly a man in this world I would consider dragging to bed with me. (It’s sad to say but the ones I do find delicious in that sort of way are not real, which is probably why I find them attractive. No chance of a sexual encounter at all. But that’s a whole other story.)
I may find a man one day. I will never say never because it’s such a strong word. It’s so… final. Unchanging. And I like to think that humans change. We’ve all told ourselves that we would never do such a thing before, and then wake up in that never-in-this-lifetime situation. In short, shit happens.
Yes, I am a lesbian, but I will not completely close the door on men.
I’ll go where the tide takes me because sometimes the journey getting there is fricken’ awesome.
Posted in pondering | 2 Comments »
July 15th, 2008 Nichole
You have to treat it with care. It’s not something I always do.
A friend of mine told me today that I never come to her when I have problems. I tried to fix that aspect of myself, so I could be more trusting and feel less guilty about burdening someone, but I haven’t been able to fix much. I’ve always kept to myself. I’ve always spared people my problems.
I do this to put on a front; I’ll admit that much. I’m hyper-emotional, but I try really hard to act tough and strong and flat-out positive about everything, regardless how I really feel inside. I would jeopardize that if I shared my troubles.
Everything is well with my friend… I hope, but I know I won’t change. Keeping my problems to myself is something I have always done.
I hate being a burden to anyone. I’d rather be vague and blame everything on little sleep.
Posted in fitness, friends, lamentation, pondering | No Comments »
July 6th, 2008 Nichole
While I haven’t been perusing for a love interest, it has been more than enjoyable just hanging out with friends this past week. Roller coasters, fireworks, drunken board games, drunken darts. Yelling and screaming and burning your fingers. A PVC pipe cradled in the loving embrace of a guitar stand, weighted down with rocks in a plastic grocery bag. Speed boats and spades.
Priceless.
I know love is sacrifice but… what do I have to give up?
Posted in life, pondering | 1 Comment »
